What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

Where did Noah build the Ark? Was it in a desert or near water?

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

But ive been too sick for many years..

Why do most Indian women cuckold or cheat on their husbands?

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

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One cannot hold on to bitterness.

I never cut or harmed myself..

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

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He was dying to do it , i knew.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

We were not on the streets..

This is how, and why children get BPD.

What are some good Caribbean islands to travel to with friends or family? Why?

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Why do men like women gold diggers?

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

This is soul school!.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

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I waited trembling.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Comes on , in middle age.

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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

He resisted the act ,that day.

Ive learnt so much.

What is the dirtiest thing you have witnessed your wife do?

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

What’s the saddest thing you’ve seen at your job?

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

I was scared of men, in general

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

I don,t even have a pension.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

Im still living with it.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

It was going to be , some day.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Would this be the day?

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

(And it was in our own minds.)

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

She wouldn,t have been !

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

My life is so biszare .

But, we were locked up after school.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

My mum and dad in the seventies!

I had hoped to write a book about this .

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

Put me off passion for life!!

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

My family never makes their pension either.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

Especially a lifetime of it.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

She was in good health!

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

I was 9 years of age.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

She found it foreign!.

I write beautiful poetry .

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Why did i forgive my father ?

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

So, i spoilt her more .

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

I couldn’t, believe it.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

She loved him until the end.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

He knew the spot.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

As i do to all so called friends.?

Im dying but, im not bitter.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

I could never make a relationship work though!

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

I was very sick at this time too.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Was to survive, this bastard.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

I think the readers, may guess!

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

And i lived it daily.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

I was seconnd youngest,

They are buried together, in the same grave..

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

So whats the point in blame.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

When she asked me how she looked .

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

I have no regrets .

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

She married twice! .

Who then, do I blame.?

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

But it wasn’t much.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

All the time i was locked up.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

What did i know ?

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

I said to her

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

I will be 64.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

We all went to grammer schools

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

One cannot live in the past .

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!